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A remark made by an adoptee got me thinking. She said “I have had years to process the fact that I am adopted and am now at a stage where I would like a reunion”. This is a very good observation. When adoptees have started a search they have spent months, even years working through it. For someone like the biological mother who, having been told she would never see her child, the first contact is when she starts to work through things.
For many biological mothers, especially if they are older than 55, the contact is often a surprise or shock. Please give your biological mother the time to process everything. As an adoptee you have a right to know your family history. However, don’t use this right to ignore the other persons pain and emotional state. The old adage of “do unto others …..” applies. Give consideration to the other person just as you expect others to give you.
The reunion between an adoptee and a biological mother/father is a slow process. There is no “magic wand”. It’s an equal give and take from both parties. Please keep this mind when starting your search - having realistic expectations and preventing unnecessary (or unwarranted) disappointment.
Anne
4 July 2010
I have after 25 years finally reconnected with my father and his wife and my two sisters. And I must say, the love that I found by walking into my father's home was absolutely fabulous. I never felt so much love in my life. There was lots of crying but it was the feeling of relief. No one can touch me anymore. I just want to say to all the adoptees. Go and find your real parents but before you do, sort your life out first and make sure that you are ready for the 1st meeting or the 1st phone call.
Kind regards
Amanda
9 July 2010
Today is Father’s Day and we salute all the fathers, especially the adoptive fathers. Thank you for caring and providing for your adopted children and, most of all, loving them. Thank you, Neville!
I have just returned home from having a delightful lunch with my (soon to be) 80 year old father and friends. I hope you have been able to be with your (adoptive) father and acknowledge what he has done for you.
Anne
20 June 2010
Mother’s Day …. a bittersweet day for adoptees who are searching for their biological mothers. Give thanks to the woman who brought you into her life and heart and has loved you as her own. I am eternally grateful to my daughter’s (adoptive) Mum who did just that. She already had two adopted children and yet, her capacity to love meant she could unreservedly bring another child into her family. Jenny, I salute you and (again) thank you for loving and raising my daughter - our daughter.
Mother’s Day …. a bittersweet day for biological mothers who are searching for their children. It is a reminder that there is a missing part to their families. “Where are you?” “What do you look like?” “Are you happy?” are some of the questions that run through your mind. If your family is puzzled by your smile which is tinged with sadness – tell them why. Allow them to understand and support you.
Today we pause to acknowledge all the mothers who have loved and raised their children to the best of their abilities - biological or not. Bless you!
Anne
9 May 2010
March 2010 is our 2nd anniversary. More than 5 500 people have viewed the website. We now also advertise on facebook which should see an increase in awareness of our website and, hopefully, also an increase in the number of reunions. Officially, we know there have been 49 reunions. I am sure there are more which we haven’t been told about. A big thank you to Kate and Romé. We also say thank you to everyone who has assisted us and your continued support.
In my previous blog I mentioned biological mothers who are “stuck” in the past. Because most biological mothers never received proper counselling at the time of giving up their babies, they have not been able to properly deal with all the emotions of that relinquishment. This results in biological mothers having the same shame, fear and hurt as they did back then. They have tried to bury all these feelings. Part of the fear is being judged by others. That society has moved on from harshly judging unmarried mothers doesn’t mean much to them. And then there’s the secrecy. Keeping a secret is unhealthy. Studies have shown that unresolved emotional issues eventually have an impact on one’s physical health. It also affects other aspects of a biological mother’s life.
My request to biological mother’s who still have this secret is, please talk to somebody about it. If you feel you can’t confide in somebody close to you, then send me an e-mail (anne@adoptionreconnect.org). I will help and support you. You owe it to yourself and to your child, especially your child. Stop punishing yourself!
Anne
3 March 2010
Well now, here we are - a couple of weeks into the new year. Judging from the increased activity on our website, it appears some of you made a new year’s resolution to do something about finding the “missing” person. Make no mistake, with all the uncertainty, it takes some courage to take this step.
Two recent reunions reinforced some thoughts I have previously expressed. The first one was that a lot of biological mothers’ feelings and emotions are stuck back in the time of the birth of their children. I will expand on this in my next blog.
The second one was about the timing of a search. Is one ever completely ready for it? No, because there are too many unknowns. Make the decision to face your “demons” and take the plunge. One of the biological mothers in a recent reunion decided, at the age of 71, to tell her daughter (“D”) about a sister she never knew she had. That “D” found her sister’s post on our website the day after, is absolutely amazing. However, my appeal to all biological mothers and fathers – don’t wait until you are 71 …..! It could be too late.
On a very personal note, I would like to publicly thank my friends for their unwavering and loving support during my own reunion. They cried and laughed with me. They patiently listened while I went on and on about Kate. It is difficult to adequately express what it means to me. Thank you - I love you all.
Anne
17 January 2010
It’s the festive season and I know that for most of you it is a bittersweet time. Adoptees wonder if their biological mothers / parents are thinking of them. Biological mothers / parents wonder if their children are happy. All the while, there are other people who love and cherish them and are celebrating this time with them. Take some time to pause and think of the “missing” person in your life. Give thanks for the people you love and whom love you.
If you haven’t taken steps to find the “missing” person, then my question to you is - why not? Nobody is ever completely ready for it, because there are too many unknowns. You owe it both to yourself and the other person to take some action.
For those of you celebrating Christmas, we wish you a blessed one. To everyone, we wish a happy and prosperous New Year and hope you find the person you are looking for.
Anne
23 December 2009
We have been contacted by Adele Hamilton of Parent24.com advising they have recently set up a new adoption forum (http://forum.parent24.com/yaf_postsm3383_Welcome-to-the-Parent24-adoption-forum.aspx#3383). While this may primarily be aimed at adoptive parents, it's possible adoptees and biological parents could make use of this forum.
Which leads me to my next observation. Quite a few adoptees who have contacted us have said they have delayed their search because they do not want to hurt or upset their adoptive parents. Often they only start their searches after their adoptive parents have passed on. I can understand an adoptive parent's reservation about their child searching. My appeal to adoptive parents - please support your child's search. I have said it before and say it again. Searching for your biological heritage and roots is not a reflection of the adoptive parents. Those of us who have not been adopted have no idea what it's like not knowing who you look like, where you get a specific talent from etc. Knowing where we come from is at the core of all of us and adoptees have a right to know.
Anne
9 November 2009
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