Adoption Reconnect

Helping with the search for family

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March 2010 is our 2nd anniversary.  More than 5 500 people have viewed the website.  We now also advertise on facebook which should see an increase in awareness of our website and, hopefully, also an increase in the number of reunions.  Officially, we know there have been 49 reunions.  I am sure there are more which we haven’t been told about.   A big thank you to Kate and Romé.  We also say thank you to everyone who has assisted us and your continued support.

 

In my previous blog I mentioned biological mothers who are “stuck” in the past.  Because most biological mothers never received proper counselling at the time of giving up their babies, they have not been able to properly deal with all the emotions of that relinquishment.  This results in biological mothers having the same shame, fear and hurt as they did back then.  They have tried to bury all these feelings.  Part of the fear is being judged by others.  That society has moved on from harshly judging unmarried mothers doesn’t mean much to them.  And then there’s the secrecy.  Keeping a secret is unhealthy.  Studies have shown that unresolved emotional issues eventually have an impact on one’s physical health.  It also affects other aspects of a biological mother’s life.

 

My request to biological mother’s who still have this secret is, please talk to somebody about it.  If you feel you can’t confide in somebody close to you, then send me an e-mail (anne@adoptionreconnect.org).  I will help and support you.  You owe it to yourself and to your child, especially your child.  Stop punishing yourself!

 

Anne

3 March 2010

 


 

Well now, here we are - a couple of weeks into the new year.  Judging from the increased activity on our website, it appears some of you made a new year’s resolution to do something about finding the “missing” person.  Make no mistake, with all the uncertainty, it takes some courage to take this step.

 

Two recent reunions reinforced some thoughts I have previously expressed.  The first one was that a lot of biological mothers’ feelings and emotions are stuck back in the time of the birth of their children.  I will expand on this in my next blog.

 

The second one was about the timing of a search.  Is one ever completely ready for it?  No, because there are too many unknowns.  Make the decision to face your “demons” and take the plunge.  One of the biological mothers in a recent reunion decided, at the age of 71, to tell her daughter (“D”) about a sister she never knew she had.  That “D” found her sister’s post on our website the day after, is absolutely amazing.  However, my appeal to all biological mothers and fathers – don’t wait until you are 71 …..!  It could be too late.

 

On a very personal note, I would like to publicly thank my friends for their unwavering and loving support during my own reunion.  They cried and laughed with me.  They patiently listened while I went on and on about Kate.  It is difficult to adequately express what it means to me.  Thank you - I love you all.

 

Anne

17 January 2010

 


 

It’s the festive season and I know that for most of you it is a bittersweet time.  Adoptees wonder if their biological mothers / parents are thinking of them.  Biological mothers / parents wonder if their children are happy.  All the while, there are other people who love and cherish them and are celebrating this time with them.  Take some time to pause and think of the “missing” person in your life.  Give thanks for the people you love and whom love you.

 

If you haven’t taken steps to find the “missing” person, then my question to you is - why not?  Nobody is ever completely ready for it, because there are too many unknowns.  You owe it both to yourself and the other person to take some action.

 

For those of you celebrating Christmas, we wish you a blessed one.  To everyone, we wish a happy and prosperous New Year and hope you find the person you are looking for. 

 

Anne

23 December 2009 

 


 

We have been contacted by Adele Hamilton of Parent24.com advising they have recently set up a new adoption forum (http://forum.parent24.com/yaf_postsm3383_Welcome-to-the-Parent24-adoption-forum.aspx#3383).  While this may primarily be aimed at adoptive parents, it's possible adoptees and biological parents could make use of this forum.

 

Which leads me to my next observation.  Quite a few adoptees who have contacted us have said they have delayed their search because they do not want to hurt or upset their adoptive parents.  Often they only start their searches after their adoptive parents have passed on.  I can understand an adoptive parent's reservation about their child searching.  My appeal to adoptive parents - please support your child's search.  I have said it before and say it again.  Searching for your biological heritage and roots is not a reflection of the adoptive parents.  Those of us who have not been adopted have no idea what it's like not knowing who you look like, where you get a specific talent from etc.  Knowing where we come from is at the core of all of us and adoptees have a right to know.   

 

Anne

9 November 2009

 


 

We received an e-mail from an adoptee born in Zambia - in fact this is the 2nd person born there who has contacted us.  Our knowledge of the Zambian adoption laws and system is very limited.  Please contact us if you have any information that might assist these two adoptees.  Anything to help them reconnect with their biological mothers will be much appreciated.   In fact, if you have information regarding the laws and systems of any of our neighbouring countries, please share it with us.

 

If it is at all possible, please will you publicise our website on your staff bulletin board or something similar?  We currently do not have funding to advertise.  Even e-mailing a link of the Your Story page of our website to your friends and family will help.  You never know who may be an adoptee or biological parent who is wanting to search, but doesn't know where to start.  In many instances, adoption is shrouded in secrecy - which is unlikely to change any time soon.

 

Anne

25 October 2009

 


 

There are a couple of things on my mind.  Firstly, are people who do not respond to follow up e-mails we send.  I can attribute some of them to no longer being at the e-mail addresses they originally gave us – for example a work e-mail.  However, I don’t think this reason applies to all and I am disappointed that some people do not have the courtesy to reply.  If they have changed their minds about searching, it’s their decision and I don’t have a problem with that.  Just reply and tell me so we don’t waste our time – when we could be using that time on somebody else’s search. 

 

Secondly, the same thing applies to people who have found who they were looking for, even if it was through other means.  I am happy for you – it doesn’t matter whether it was through our organisation or not.  Please let us know.  We are all volunteers who do this in our limited spare time.  We currently do not receive any funding and all costs are carried by the volunteers, so please do not waste our time and money – neither of which are unlimited.  We all feel strongly about the work we do with Adoption Reconnect and are thrilled when reconnections are made, irrespective of how and when.

 

My request to everyone is to please add our details to your cell phone and/or e-mail contacts so that when either changes you let us know.  A small courtesy on your part, but one which is important to us.

 

Last, but not least, is to reiterate that we do not request information from the Registrar of Adoptions or welfare agencies.  The law is quite clear on this matter.  Information is only given to adoptees or the adoptive parents.

 

On a much happier note, we rejoice the reconnection this past week of a biological mother and adoptee who were both searching for each other.  We wish them success with this new relationship in their lives!

 

Anne

4 October 2009

  


 
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