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| Blogs - 2009 It’s the festive season and I know that for most of you it is a bittersweet time. Adoptees wonder if their biological mothers / parents are thinking of them. Biological mothers / parents wonder if their children are happy. All the while, there are other people who love and cherish them and are celebrating this time with them. Take some time to pause and think of the “missing” person in your life. Give thanks for the people you love and whom love you.
If you haven’t taken steps to find the “missing” person, then my question to you is - why not? Nobody is ever completely ready for it, because there are too many unknowns. You owe it both to yourself and the other person to take some action.
For those of you celebrating Christmas, we wish you a blessed one. To everyone, we wish a happy and prosperous New Year and hope you find the person you are looking for. Anne 23 December 2009
We have been contacted by Adele Hamilton of Parent24.com advising they have recently set up a new adoption forum (http://forum.parent24.com/yaf_postsm3383_Welcome-to-the-Parent24-adoption-forum.aspx#3383). While this may primarily be aimed at adoptive parents, it's possible adoptees and biological parents could make use of this forum.
Which leads me to my next observation. Quite a few adoptees who have contacted us have said they have delayed their search because they do not want to hurt or upset their adoptive parents. Often they only start their searches after their adoptive parents have passed on. I can understand an adoptive parent's reservation about their child searching. My appeal to adoptive parents - please support your child's search. I have said it before and say it again. Searching for your biological heritage and roots is not a reflection of the adoptive parents. Those of us who have not been adopted have no idea what it's like not knowing who you look like, where you get a specific talent from etc. Knowing where we come from is at the core of all of us and adoptees have a right to know. Anne 9 November 2009
We received an e-mail from an adoptee born in Zambia - in fact this is the 2nd person born there who has contacted us. Our knowledge of the Zambian adoption laws and system is very limited. Please contact us if you have any information that might assist these two adoptees. Anything to help them reconnect with their biological mothers will be much appreciated. In fact, if you have information regarding the laws and systems of any of our neighbouring countries, please share it with us. If it is at all possible, please will you publicise our website on your staff bulletin board or something similar? We currently do not have funding to advertise. Even e-mailing a link of the Your Story page of our website to your friends and family will help. You never know who may be an adoptee or biological parent who is wanting to search, but doesn't know where to start. In many instances, adoption is shrouded in secrecy - which is unlikely to change any time soon. Anne 25 October 2009
There are a couple of things on my mind. Firstly, are people who do not respond to follow up e-mails we send. I can attribute some of them to no longer being at the e-mail addresses they originally gave us – for example a work e-mail. However, I don’t think this reason applies to all and I am disappointed that some people do not have the courtesy to reply. If they have changed their minds about searching, it’s their decision and I don’t have a problem with that. Just reply and tell me so we don’t waste our time – when we could be using that time on somebody else’s search.
Secondly, the same thing applies to people who have found who they were looking for, even if it was through other means. I am happy for you – it doesn’t matter whether it was through our organisation or not. Please let us know. We are all volunteers who do this in our limited spare time. We currently do not receive any funding and all costs are carried by the volunteers, so please do not waste our time and money – neither of which are unlimited. We all feel strongly about the work we do with Adoption Reconnect and are thrilled when reconnections are made, irrespective of how and when.
My request to everyone is to please add our details to your cell phone and/or e-mail contacts so that when either changes you let us know. A small courtesy on your part, but one which is important to us.
Last, but not least, is to reiterate that we do not request information from the Registrar of Adoptions or welfare agencies. The law is quite clear on this matter. Information is only given to adoptees or the adoptive parents.
On a much happier note, we rejoice the reconnection this past week of a biological mother and adoptee who were both searching for each other. We wish them success with this new relationship in their lives! Anne 4 October 2009
The most common question asked by adoptees when deciding on whether or not to search, is "what if I am again rejected?" Yes, rejected is how adoptees view having been given up for adoption. I would like to share a very interesting article Why Won’t My Mother Meet Me? by Carole Anderson. It is 6 pages long, so click here to open the document. I don’t propose to answer this question as each situation is different. The article provides some insight for adoptees and, yes, biological mothers as well. My advice to people embarking on a search is, do a lot of research on adoption reunion - be it on the internet or borrowing/buying books. Read Sean's message on the Your Story page.
Anne 13 September 2009
This past week has certainly been an eventful one for us at Adoption Reconnect. Thursday I was on Nancy Richard's Otherwise show on SAfm speaking briefly about adoption, biological mothers and reunion. My sincere thanks to Nancy and her producer, Hazel Makuzeni, for having me on the show. My aim was to let biological mothers know of our website, especially biological mothers in their late 40s and older who have limited or no access to the internet. Judging from the increased visits to our website and e-mails, our objective was met. It was particularly apt doing this a few days before celebrating Women's Day in South Africa. Unfortunately, due to limited time, I didn't have the opportunity to acknowledge adoptive mothers. Let me make it very clear, I have the utmost respect and admiration for adoptive mothers who have taken somebody else's child to heart and into their lives. Who have loved and cared for this child as their own. Let me also say, your relationship with this child does NOT end when a reunion takes place with a biological mother. What better gift can you give your child than for both mothers to acknowledge each other in a positive and caring way? Anne 9 August 2009
We have had two successful reunions in recent weeks. In both instances the siblings have been welcoming of this "stranger". In one instance, the siblings knew about their brother years before the reunion took place. In the other instance, the siblings were informed by their mother after the reunion happened. A big thank you to all siblings who have taken their mothers circumstances/stories to heart and welcomed their brother or sister into their lives. The family dynamic has changed and it takes effort to forge a bond and build a relationship. That siblings are willing to do this, speaks volumes. It's not only about the mother and child - siblings have an important role to play as well. Today we have posted the 300th search on our website as well as recording over 7000 visits. Please let us know If you have more information since posting on our website. Please let us know of any support groups. We have been asked about this a number of times which indicates that members of the adoption triad have a need for it. Maybe you are willing to start a support group in your area? Anne 19 July 2009
I recently had an interesting conversation with a biological father who is searching for his daughter. As with many biological fathers of children born in the 70s, he was doing compulsory military duty when his child was born. Not enough has been made public about the effect of conscription on young men, actually teenagers. Many men, still today, bear the scars of that time. We will, hopefully, soon publish his story. These young men and their responses to finding out their girlfriends were pregnant have a couple of things in common. The law didn't require the biological father's permission for the adoption to take place, so a lot of adoptions took place without their knowledge. The other thing was their inability to cope with this news. That was then. Many have worked through these issues and acknowledge their role or lack of it. These men are now in their 40s and 50s. They are no longer the scared, immature teenagers they were then. Let us not ignore the biological fathers, especially those who have "stepped up to the plate" and acknowledge their children.
April has certainly been and up and down month. Up, because we have had requests from more men. Up, because we have received the good news of some sucessfull reunions and down, because we have heard of a biological mother who doesn't want contact with her child. We don't know the reason and can only hope that she will, one day, change her mind and reach out to this person whom she doesn't even know. It is a sad situation and it appears the biological mother has unresolved issues. An adoptee is the innocent in all this and I can't stress this enough. Thank goodness, the adoptive parents have been very supportive. A big thank you to them. Anne 5 May 2009
It is our 1st anniversary. The website is continuing to grow. Thank you to everyone involved for your support. As stated elsewhere, this website appears on the most popular search engine in South Africa. Our name has appeared over 76 000 times on searches and we have had over 2 000 unique visitors to the website. Considering the nature of the website and the relatively small group of people affected by adoption, these numbers are very heartening. It confirms our decision to set up this website and to keep going. To those of you who have not yet made contact - hang in there. Below are some of the comments received from people who have posted their search details on the website: Many thanks for your assistance and the wonderful job you are doing. Thank you very much, it has been awesome to have someone willing to help for the first time in 50 years! Thank you very much for your kind understanding and support
Thank you for this service. The success stories are really encouraging.
I really appreciate everything you are doing, and I find your website very helpful.
Thank you so much for your assistance, you have no idea how much this means to me.
Thanks for the info. I hope your website helps parents and children to reconnect.
Thank you. You provide such a wonderful service. C visited for 2 weeks and what a wonderfull child, he climbed into my heart. Everything went so well, he is loving and forgiving and made it so easy, he loves his sisters and brother and clicked with his dad from the start. I just want to thank you again and hope to meet someday. (After a reunion made possible by our website)
Anne 26 March 2009
This subject is considered taboo and is not openly discussed. I have also thought long and hard about posting this blog. I think it is very important for adoptees to consider what may have been the circumstances of their conception. We have had an adoptee find out that the biological mother was raped. We have also had an adoptee find out that a stepfather molested/raped the biological mother. I don't think there is anything more shocking for an adoptee than to be told something like this. My message to adoptees is you are no less worthy than the next person. To quote Nancy Verrier "the manner of conception does not determine the person". For the adoptee, this can be difficult to accept, regardless of the fact that others love and accept them for who they are. Therefore, it is critical for an adoptee to receive professional counselling. For the biological mother there is an opening of old wounds and she too, should seek counselling. Thank goodness, the number of adoptees who receive this news is small. Whatever the exact number, it's one too many! Anne 8 March 2009
A reminder to everyone that members of the Adoption Reconnect organisation are volunteers who do this on a part time basis. We work full time and Kate is also in a different time zone. We do, however, check e-mails at least once a day. Having said that, I am puzzled why we have received a few e-mails indicating the person wishes to search and then, when asked for more information, they do not reply. Cold feet? I don't know. It's every person's right to change their mind - it would just be nice to be told so. Starting a search is an emotional roller coaster and can be daunting. If you haven't yet started and are unsure, please discuss it with a professional (eg. a therapist, social worker, church minister). There's a good chance the person you are looking for is also wanting contact. Anne 8 February 2009
Here we are, a week into the new year and we already have some new posters. If you have encountered someone in your search who has been helpful, please let us know so that we can share the information with others who are searching. Unfortunately, we have come across a welfare agency which does not fall into this category. It seems they still hold the outdated view that adoptees should be grateful for the parents they were placed with and should not really be searching for their biological parents. As I've said before, an adoptee has two sets of parents and is entitled to know both. I hope 2009 is a good year for you and you find the person you are looking for. Anne 7 January 2009
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