We received an e-mail from an adoptee born in Zambia - in fact this is the 2nd person born there who has contacted us. Our knowledge of the Zambian adoption laws and system is very limited. Please contact us if you have any information that might assist these two adoptees. Anything to help them reconnect with their biological mothers will be much appreciated. In fact, if you have information regarding the laws and systems of any of our neighbouring countries, please share it with us.
If it is at all possible, please will you publicise our website on your staff bulletin board or something similar? We currently do not have funding to advertise. Even e-mailing a link of the Your Story page of our website to your friends and family will help. You never know who may be an adoptee or biological parent who is wanting to search, but doesn't know where to start. In many instances, adoption is shrouded in secrecy - which is unlikely to change any time soon.
Anne
25 October 2009
There are a couple of things on my mind. Firstly, are people who do not respond to follow up e-mails we send. I can attribute some of them to no longer being at the e-mail addresses they originally gave us – for example a work e-mail. However, I don’t think this reason applies to all and I am disappointed that some people do not have the courtesy to reply. If they have changed their minds about searching, it’s their decision and I don’t have a problem with that. Just reply and tell me so we don’t waste our time – when we could be using that time on somebody else’s search.
Secondly, the same thing applies to people who have found who they were looking for, even if it was through other means. I am happy for you – it doesn’t matter whether it was through our organisation or not. Please let us know. We are all volunteers who do this in our limited spare time. We currently do not receive any funding and all costs are carried by the volunteers, so please do not waste our time and money – neither of which are unlimited. We all feel strongly about the work we do with Adoption Reconnect and are thrilled when reconnections are made, irrespective of how and when.
My request to everyone is to please add our details to your cell phone and/or e-mail contacts so that when either changes you let us know. A small courtesy on your part, but one which is important to us.
Last, but not least, is to reiterate that we do not request information from the Registrar of Adoptions or welfare agencies. The law is quite clear on this matter. Information is only given to adoptees or the adoptive parents.
On a much happier note, we rejoice the reconnection this past week of a biological mother and adoptee who were both searching for each other. We wish them success with this new relationship in their lives!
Anne
4 October 2009
The most common question asked by adoptees when deciding on whether or not to search, is "what if I am again rejected?" Yes, rejected is how adoptees view having been given up for adoption. I would like to share a very interesting article Why Won’t My Mother Meet Me? by Carole Anderson. It is 6 pages long, so click here to open the document. I don’t propose to answer this question as each situation is different. The article provides some insight for adoptees and, yes, biological mothers as well. My advice to people embarking on a search is, do a lot of research on adoption reunion - be it on the internet or borrowing/buying books. Read Sean's message on the Your Story page.
Anne
13 September 2009
This past week has certainly been an eventful one for us at Adoption Reconnect. Thursday I was on Nancy Richard's Otherwise show on SAfm speaking briefly about adoption, biological mothers and reunion. My sincere thanks to Nancy and her producer, Hazel Makuzeni, for having me on the show. My aim was to let biological mothers know of our website, especially biological mothers in their late 40s and older who have limited or no access to the internet. Judging from the increased visits to our website and e-mails, our objective was met. It was particularly apt doing this a few days before celebrating Women's Day in South Africa.
Unfortunately, due to limited time, I didn't have the opportunity to acknowledge adoptive mothers. Let me make it very clear, I have the utmost respect and admiration for adoptive mothers who have taken somebody else's child to heart and into their lives. Who have loved and cared for this child as their own. Let me also say, your relationship with this child does NOT end when a reunion takes place with a biological mother. What better gift can you give your child than for both mothers to acknowledge each other in a positive and caring way?
Anne
9 August 2009
We have had two successful reunions in recent weeks. In both instances the siblings have been welcoming of this "stranger". In one instance, the siblings knew about their brother years before the reunion took place. In the other instance, the siblings were informed by their mother after the reunion happened. A big thank you to all siblings who have taken their mothers circumstances/stories to heart and welcomed their brother or sister into their lives. The family dynamic has changed and it takes effort to forge a bond and build a relationship. That siblings are willing to do this, speaks volumes. It's not only about the mother and child - siblings have an important role to play as well.
Today we have posted the 300th search on our website as well as recording over 7000 visits. Please let us know If you have more information since posting on our website.
Please let us know of any support groups. We have been asked about this a number of times which indicates that members of the adoption triad have a need for it. Maybe you are willing to start a support group in your area?
Anne
19 July 2009
I recently had an interesting conversation with a biological father who is searching for his daughter. As with many biological fathers of children born in the 70s, he was doing compulsory military duty when his child was born. Not enough has been made public about the effect of conscription on young men, actually teenagers. Many men, still today, bear the scars of that time. We will, hopefully, soon publish his story. These young men and their responses to finding out their girlfriends were pregnant have a couple of things in common. The law didn't require the biological father's permission for the adoption to take place, so a lot of adoptions took place without their knowledge. The other thing was their inability to cope with this news. That was then. Many have worked through these issues and acknowledge their role or lack of it. These men are now in their 40s and 50s. They are no longer the scared, immature teenagers they were then. Let us not ignore the biological fathers, especially those who have "stepped up to the plate" and acknowledge their children.
April has certainly been and up and down month. Up, because we have had requests from more men. Up, because we have received the good news of some sucessfull reunions and down, because we have heard of a biological mother who doesn't want contact with her child. We don't know the reason and can only hope that she will, one day, change her mind and reach out to this person whom she doesn't even know. It is a sad situation and it appears the biological mother has unresolved issues. An adoptee is the innocent in all this and I can't stress this enough. Thank goodness, the adoptive parents have been very supportive. A big thank you to them.
Anne
5 May 2009
It is our 1st anniversary. The website is continuing to grow. Thank you to everyone involved for your support. As stated elsewhere, this website appears on the most popular search engine in South Africa. Our name has appeared over 76 000 times on searches and we have had over 2 000 unique visitors to the website. Considering the nature of the website and the relatively small group of people affected by adoption, these numbers are very heartening. It confirms our decision to set up this website and to keep going. To those of you who have not yet made contact - hang in there. Below are some of the comments received from people who have posted their search details on the website:
Many thanks for your assistance and the wonderful job you are doing.
Thank you very much, it has been awesome to have someone willing to help for the first time in 50 years!
Thank you very much for your kind understanding and support
Thank you for this service. The success stories are really encouraging.
I really appreciate everything you are doing, and I find your website very helpful.
Thank you so much for your assistance, you have no idea how much this means to me.
Thanks for the info. I hope your website helps parents and children to reconnect.
Thank you. You provide such a wonderful service.
C visited for 2 weeks and what a wonderfull child, he climbed into my heart. Everything went so well, he is loving and forgiving and made it so easy, he loves his sisters and brother and clicked with his dad from the start. I just want to thank you again and hope to meet someday.
(After a reunion made possible by our website)
Anne
26 March 2009
This subject is considered taboo and is not openly discussed. I have also thought long and hard about posting this blog. I think it is very important for adoptees to consider what may have been the circumstances of their conception. We have had an adoptee find out that the biological mother was raped. We have also had an adoptee find out that a stepfather molested/raped the biological mother. I don't think there is anything more shocking for an adoptee than to be told something like this. My message to adoptees is you are no less worthy than the next person. To quote Nancy Verrier "the manner of conception does not determine the person". For the adoptee, this can be difficult to accept, regardless of the fact that others love and accept them for who they are. Therefore, it is critical for an adoptee to receive professional counselling. For the biological mother there is an opening of old wounds and she too, should seek counselling. Thank goodness, the number of adoptees who receive this news is small. Whatever the exact number, it's one too many!
Anne
8 March 2009
A reminder to everyone that members of the Adoption Reconnect organisation are volunteers who do this on a part time basis. We work full time and Kate is also in a different time zone. We do, however, check e-mails at least once a day. Having said that, I am puzzled why we have received a few e-mails indicating the person wishes to search and then, when asked for more information, they do not reply. Cold feet? I don't know. It's every person's right to change their mind - it would just be nice to be told so. Starting a search is an emotional roller coaster and can be daunting. If you haven't yet started and are unsure, please discuss it with a professional (eg. a therapist, social worker, church minister). There's a good chance the person you are looking for is also wanting contact.
Anne
8 February 2009
Here we are, a week into the new year and we already have some new posters. If you have encountered someone in your search who has been helpful, please let us know so that we can share the information with others who are searching. Unfortunately, we have come across a welfare agency which does not fall into this category. It seems they still hold the outdated view that adoptees should be grateful for the parents they were placed with and should not really be searching for their biological parents. As I've said before, an adoptee has two sets of parents and is entitled to know both. I hope 2009 is a good year for you and you find the person you are looking for.
Anne
7 January 2009
With Christmas and the new year fast approaching, I would like to mention fathers. We have recently had a reunion of a biological father and son. The father posted his search details about a month after this website was launched. It was with much excitement that I informed him of his son's contact. My appeal to other fathers who know about a pregnancy years ago and may or may not have turned their backs on the mothers - it's not too late! Fathers are also important in a person's life and adoptees want to know that side of the family history as well. You may not have raised your child, but you can play a part in their lives today. Make this a new year's resolution - contact us and place your details on our website.
Anne
18 December 2008
The biological mother - you placed your child with another family and, in doing so, handed your duties & responsibilities to another mother. Legally, you no longer exist. This does not take away your feelings. The adoptive mother - your need for a child was met by the selfless act of the biological mother. You have loved, nurtured and raised this child as your own. I believe that if both mothers make the effort, they can form a unique relationship. They share a love for this child. Your love for the adoptee can be demonstrated by your acceptance & acknowledgement of each other.
I am again touched by people who, having found out as adults they have a sibling, are immediately accepting of this. The e-mails received have always spoken of a brother or sister, not a half-brother or a half-sister. I don't claim this is always the case, but judging from the e-mails received, it happens a lot. Following on my appeal to biological parents (in my previous blog), if you are putting off searching for your child because you think your other children may reject you or their adopted sibling, take heart. You may be pleasantly surprised.
Anne
6 November 2008
Some adoptees who are currently searching for their biological parents, are doing so from overseas. This has reinforced our decision to set up this website. I again appeal to biological parents - please make use of a forum like ours. You can remain anonymous, just putting the date and place of birth and birth name on the website. Most adoptees want to know about their heritage and I believe it is the duty of biological parents to make themselves available.
Anne
20 October 2008
A recent e-mail from a searcher again brought home how much adoption affects people in different ways. One way or another, everyone in the triad and those indirectly connected to it, are all affected. I encourage you to read up on the subject and if there is only one book you read, then Nancy Verrier's The Primal Wound - Understanding the Adopted Child is a must (and no, I don't get any commission). All searchers should do some research before beginning this emotional journey. It is a great help.
Anne
8 October 2008
We have recently assisted in the tracing of an adoptee. This is good news. The bad news is that the adoptee has asked us not to tell the searcher. I have a problem with this request. It is a person's right not to have contact, for whatever reason. However, it is unfair to ask us to lie. Our position is to be honest and inform the other party that the person has been found but no contact is wanted at this stage.
Anne
30 September 2008
I'd like to say thank you to everyone who has sent us compliments and kind words about our website. We appreciate them. I am going to put my pride in my pocket and ask whether there is somebody out there who will assist us by placing an advert for our site in a local community newspaper? Please don't send us money, that's not what we're asking for. A donation in the form of paying for an advert will help us tremendously in telling more people about the website.
Anne
21 September 2008
Words can't describe the time I have just spent with my dear, sweet daughter. Special, is one of the words that comes to mind. It has taken years, but we eventually found each other. My message to all searchers, it might take a long time, but it is worth it. The bonus being how supportive the adoptive parents have been. While not every reunion may be as successful as ours, the final puzzle piece is put in place.
Anne
7 September 2008
I am happy to see more men contacting us. Bravo! They are looking for both biological family and adoptees. I hope to see many more. So come on guys, if you were adopted or have a child placed for adoption - contact us. Even if you just want some preliminary information.
Anne
23 August 2008
If you have any advice or tips which will make someone's search easier, please send it to us so that we may share it with others. We are a small community and searchers need all the help they can get.
Anne
8 August 2008
Let me reiterate - none of the volunteers will give or sell confidential information to anybody! We will always contact the posters and pass on any information directly to them or, at the very least, request their permission to provide information to a third party.
Be careful.
Anne
27 July 2008
Here's a website which adoptees may find useful. It is a South African website and adoptees have a forum to share their stories with others.
Anne
15 July 2008
I have spent hours searching the internet for adoptee and birth mother support groups and have found none. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t any, just that they aren’t very well advertised on the internet. If you know of such a support group, please send me the info so that I can post it on this website.
My personal appeal to all birth mothers/parents is please send me your details for posting on this website so that your child can find you. Be brave! Do this not only for yourself, but also for your child. I can’t stress enough how important it is for your child to reconnect with you. If you are unsure of the process, send me an e-mail.
Anne
13 July 2008